Equal opportunity ridicule

How... educational

Houston Chronicle | Fair, balanced conservative manifesto
Some conservatives will argue that the preceding does not represent true conservatism, but that is an argument they will have to take up with their fellow conservatives.

You mean you're not really listening anyway? Well, we knew that, but it's novel and courageous of you to admit it for a change.

And they call Rush Limbaugh arrogant.

TEN ARTICLES OF LIBERAL/PROGRESSIVE FAITH

Republicans lie.
They lie about everything. They lie about anything. They lie because... well, because they can. No explanation is really necessary, it's just who they are. I mean, they have so much reason to. If they said what they really thought, then everyone (not just the Democrats) would know them for the hatemongering, bigoted liars they are. Which everyone--well, everyone who matters--knows anyway, so there's really no point.

Democrats don't lie.
Ever. Why should we? The truth is on our side. In fact, everything we say is, by definition, the truth. We contradict ourselves only in trivial ways that should be beneath anyone's notice.

Republicans all think the same way.
They march in lockstep behind Rush Limbaugh and Pat Robertson. They are white, racist (although those two labels are actually redundant), rich, and fundamentalist Christian. And, if truth be told, not very bright.

Democrats are a loose association of individual free thinkers.
Of course, this handicaps us in the political arena, since our message is of necessity diluted by our diversity. It does make it easier to attract large numbers of people to protest rallies, though (the better to generate press coverage), since the attendees may be there for a hundred or more different causes.

Any attempt by a Republican to refute a statement made by a Democrat is motivated by hatred.
It must be very frustrating to be so wrong all the time. The stress would get to anybody after a while. We wouldn't know, of course, because we're never wrong, but we're very compassionate toward our deluded, brain-damaged, idiot, hateful colleagues. Someday we'll put a halt to their intolerance--for their own good, of course.

Democrats don't hate anybody.
Not even the drunken neo-Nazi Genghis Bushitler. Not even that pot smoking, draft-dodging adulterer Newt Gingrich. (We would make a cute derogatory joke of Newt's name, but it looks like his mom beat us to it.) Therefore, since we are motivated not by hatred but by public service, and only speak the truth (see point two), nothing we ever say is hate speech, and we can say anything we want.

Anyone to the right of Al Franken is an arch-conservative.
There is no such thing as an arch-liberal. In fact, there's no such thing as a liberal at all. That's just a name Republicans call us to be hateful, like "politically correct". We are moderate. We are progressive. We are, in short, Just People. Normal. Average.

In your heart, you know we're right.
By which we mean we're smarter than you. And you know it. When you disagree with us, it's because you don't have all the facts: If you had, you'd know we were right. Or maybe you do have all the facts, and you're faking it in order to make conversations more interesting. In which case you really don't have to bother. You don't have to pretend to disagree with us. We love being told what we already know, that we're right. Who could get tired of the truth? Did we mention we're smarter than you?

We deserve to be in charge.
After all, clearly the most intelligent person should be in charge, and, well, just look at the Republicans. Isn't it obvious? All teachers and college professors are Democrats. These are people who make their living (meager though it is) being smart. Obviously they know something you don't. If the wrong people were in charge, they might break something. Worse yet, they might cut taxes.

Al Gore won the 2000 election fair and square.
However, the election was stolen from him by the Supreme Court. Therefore, anything we do to reverse that situation is lawful, moral, and our "sacred" duty. (We don't really believe in the word "sacred": We just use it so you'll know what we mean. Being less intelligent and all.) There is no such thing as an inappropriate or excessive criticism of B*sh.

Comedy is too delicate to leave to amateurs.

Gosh, Hermione...

Emma Watson and the entire Scooby... er, Hogwarty gang.

A little more vaseline on the lens, please

TIME | For TV Stars, High Def Is Dicey
As the number of shows filmed in HDTV grows, actors and actresses are facing the ugly truth: HDTV gives new meaning to the word close-up. In high definition, no wart, wrinkle or blemish is safe from the camera's eye, forcing makeup artists to scramble for cover-ups. "Everything shows," says veteran sitcom makeup man Tommy Cole. "Everything is clearer, and the contrast is sharper. Some people are very worried."

Nowhere was the downside of high definition more apparent than at the Academy Awards in February, when the few viewers with HDTV caught Hollywood's biggest stars working the red carpet. By some accounts, actor-producer Michael Douglas, 59, ruggedly handsome on film, became downright old, especially next to his high-def-defying spouse Catherine Zeta-Jones, 34.

But surely there are people who look good in HD...

TV Predictions | HDTV Goes to See Britney Spears
At the tender age of 22, Spears doesn't have to worry about crow's feet yet. However, during tonight's concert in Miami, she looked like she hadn't slept in days. Her face was bumpy and puffy, making her appear five to ten years older than her years.

The pop princess, who reportedly has been partying hard at night spots across the globe, simply didn't look very healthy tonight under the naked lens of high-def.

... Interestingly, Showtime featured very few close-ups of Spears' face, opting mostly to display long shots of the singer shaking her booty during long dance numbers. ... However, to make matters worse, it appears that Spears has put on a few pounds, particularly in her legs. Although still charming and appealing, she doesn't possess the physical sizzle in HDTV that she exhibits in her music videos such as "Toxic."

And speaking of music, judging from the audio of my Surround Sound system, many of her live renditions tonight appeared to be lip-synched.

Who looks better / Who looks worse?

"I love my cigar, too, but..."

Yahoo (AP) | Mom With 14 Kids, One on the Way, Honored
LITTLE ROCK, Ark. - With her 14 children in tow and pregnant with her 15th, Michelle Duggar waddled into Arkansas' Capitol on Wednesday to accept the state's Young Mother award.

"We're going from diapers right up to driver's ed," she said with a smile.

Duggar, 37, who home schools her children and is helping to build a new home from the ground up, started having her babies when she was 21, four years after she married former state Rep. Jim Bob Duggar.

"We're letting the Lord give us the gifts that he wants to give us and I'm open to more gifts," she said. "I'll take them one at a time or two at a time."

The offspring include two sets of twins, and the parents have stuck to the letter "J" when it comes picking names. There is Joshua, 16; Jana and John-David, 14; Jill, 12; Jessa, 11; Jinger, 10; Joseph, 9; Josiah, 7; Joy-Anna, 6; Jeremiah and Jedidiah, 5; Jason, 3; James, 2 and Justin, 1.

The new baby is due in two months and is most likely a boy. They plan to name him Jackson.

No word on the whereabouts of neighbor Ferd Berfle. (Never mind, the joke, such as it is, is 35 years old. And the one in the title is even older.)

Not just no...

Yahoo (Reuters) | Eeeyew!!!!
Body piercing and tattoos make way. The latest fashion trend to hit the Netherlands is eyeball jewelry.

Dutch eye surgeons have implanted tiny pieces of jewelry called "JewelEye" in the mucous membrane of the eyes of six women and one man in cosmetic surgery pioneered by an ophthalmic surgery research and development institute in Rotterdam.

The procedure involves inserting a 3.5 mm (0.13 inch) wide 1 piece of specially developed jewelry -- the range includes a glittering half-moon or heart -- into the eye's mucous membrane under local anaesthetic at a cost of 500 to 1,000 euros ($1,232).

There's a picture...

PETA seasonal prank

Really, I'd intended to retire PETA from the rotation, but you just can't ignore The Cow Pope. "What hope do animals have in the Catholic Church to save them?" (Thanks, Ron. I think.)

I guess after seeing how the "Holocaust on Your Plate" thing ticked off Jews, they thought Christians might feel left out.

Why not go for a clean sweep and make an ad portraying Mohammed as a pig? (Ah. I see why, now. There are some lines even PETA knows better than to cross.)

On the other hand, just to be as fair-minded as I can possibly be, here's PETA's Bunny Fever. Even a broken clock is right twice a day.

What's the date again?

New Scientist | Smell cannon targets virtual reality users
A new device can track an individual, shoot an aroma directly at their nose, and leave the person next to them completely unaffected.

The air cannon was developed by Yasuyuki Yanagi and his colleagues at the Advanced Telecommunications Research Institute in Kyoto, Japan, as a technique for directing evocative smells to people exploring virtual-reality environments. The driver of a car simulator, for example, might sniff petrol as they drive into a filling station or freshly cut grass as they pass a sports field.

Saw it at Dottocomu.

Google | Google Gets the Message, Launches Gmail
Amidst rampant media speculation, Google Inc. today announced it is testing a preview release of Gmail – a free search-based webmail service with a storage capacity of up to eight billion bits of information, the equivalent of 500,000 pages of email. Per user.

The inspiration for Gmail came from a Google user complaining about the poor quality of existing email services, recalled Larry Page, Google co-founder and president, Products. "She kvetched about spending all her time filing messages or trying to find them," Page said. "And when she's not doing that, she has to delete email like crazy to stay under the obligatory four megabyte limit. So she asked, 'Can't you people fix this?'"

The idea that there could be a better way to handle email caught the attention of a Google engineer who thought it might be a good "20 percent time" project. (Google requires engineers to spend a day a week on projects that interest them, unrelated to their day jobs). Millions of M&Ms later, Gmail was born.

LATER: You mean Gmail is real? C'mon. I mean... C'mon.

General laundry fault. Abort, retry, fail?

Yahoo News (from AP) | College Tests Laundry E-Mail Notification
Technology is taking laundry from the clothesline to online. Carnegie Mellon University is testing a Web-based system that sends e-mail to students when their laundry is done and allows them to log on to an Internet site to check the status of machines.

The e-Suds system, developed by USA Technologies of Malvern, is being used in three dorms this spring. The school expects to offer it to its nearly 4,000 students who live on campus by the fall semester, according to Timothy Michael, director of housing services.

"The whole idea is to create convenience for our students," Michael said, noting many students are pressed for time. "The feedback has been really incredible."

Trivial and Obvious

Washington Post | Bush and Kerry, a Running Gag on Late Night
In Washington, of course, everything must be studied and scrutinized. So the Center for Media and Public Affairs has divined that Bush remains the biggest late-night target -- the butt of 213 jokes from Jan. 1 through March 9 -- compared with 53 for Kerry (who barely beat the 43 jibes aimed at Dennis Kucinich).

Next you'll be telling me some study has determined that Homer Simpson's diet is unhealthy... No, wait!

Calgary Herald | Doh! Homer diet slammed
After analysing 63 random episodes of The Simpsons, Rutgers researchers found Homer not only eats more often than the other characters, but also talks about food more, eats greater quantities at meal time, and is less active.

And they paid how much for this study?

Cable charity

Duluth News Tribune (from Washington Post) | Cable industry defends packaging
TELEVISION: Critics say consumers shouldn't pay for unwatched channels, while the industry says smaller channels would die in an a la carte system.
In the dream world of some television viewers, they would pay their cable or satellite companies only for the channels they want. Some might not pay for MTV, because they don't want their 8-year-olds watching it. Others would turn down ESPN Classic, because they've already seen the 1975 World Series. Others would eschew TeleFutura, because they don't speak Spanish.

Reality is far different.

... Committee Chairman John McCain, R-Ariz., peppered Cox Communications Inc. President James Robbins, asking the head of the nation's fourth-largest cable company why consumers have to pay for channels they don't want. Robbins' answer: Giving consumers that degree of choice would cost too much.

Besides adding to the cost, cable companies say, selling channels individually might make it difficult for lesser-watched, niche channels to survive.

Under an a la carte system, top-rated cable channels such as USA Network would probably thrive because ratings suggest enough people would choose to buy it individually to make it worth a programmer's while. However, less-watched channels that serve distinct but smaller audiences, such as TechTV and BET, may not survive, because not enough viewers would pay for them.

You say that like it's a bad thing. Like TechTV and BET have a right to survive even if nobody is watching.

Interesting to hear a cable executive admit they're requiring customers to buy channels they don't want on purpose. It's not just an accident of marketing and technical limitations. It's because their vision of program diversity won't be achieved if we leave it up to those idiot viewers to decide what they want to see.

It's hard to pretend it's elevating our culture to ensure that Game Show Network, Speedvision, and the third ESPN network endure. (And I enjoy GSN.) And it's always alarming to discover a hidden subsidy at work where I was expecting to find market-driven free enterprise.

Why does this remind me of The Great Muppet Caper? Fozzie and Kermit are hot-air-balooning between and among the opening credits, and Fozzie asks, "Nobody really reads these, do they?" and Kermit replies, "Well, sure they do. They all have families." I'd hate to think the only people watching BET are their families.

(I'm linking to the Duluth paper because it doesn't require registration.)

Coffee break

Miami Herald | BSO bagel break broke the rules
BSO admits that Parkland was briefly without a patrol presence while the day shift went noshing together.
When five Parkland deputies were photographed hunched over coffee and bagels at a Coral Springs deli two Saturdays ago, it gave their employer, the Broward Sheriff's Office, a spot of indigestion.

BSO acknowledged Wednesday that the city of 18,312 was briefly without a patrol presence while the entire day shift, including a sergeant, went noshing together in another town.

... The breakfast was not only a breach of BSO procedures. It was a bad political move.

It came just 13 days after the city police department merged with BSO, the result of a contentious 3-2 City Commission vote. Scores of residents registered loud objections to the merger, some claiming that police protection would suffer.

... Former Parkland commissioner Ricky Gordon, who was voted out of office after supporting the merger, cautioned against overreacting.

''I think they were all close enough that if something happened they could respond,'' he said. "People have to realize we're still in a position of transition. We just got a new chief, David Carey, and we need to give the department a chance to get established.''

... [Jim Leljedal, a spokesman for the sheriff's office,] said of Strathmore Country Bagel and Deli: ``Apparently it's the place to eat at 7 a.m. on a Saturday morning. It's barely a mile out of town, and the rationale was that if there was a call they could easily respond to a call from there. It's generally a quiet time and, in fact, there were no calls for service.''

Other than watch where you eat when you are on duty, there is another lesson to be learned from the episode, Leljedal said.

''People have to realize that those cellphone cameras are everywhere,'' he said. "I plan to use this photo as a lesson during training sessions. You never know who's watching or has a camera.''

Guess where this happened.

Yes, of course, it's that hotbed of seething hatred, Ground Zero of the War on Terror... San Francisco.

(The chain of discovery goes through Lileks to LGF to the source, whose bandwidth I hope doesn't get blown to hell. There are plenty of entertaining photos of the rally, but ultimately I had to choose the same one Lileks and Johnson did to convey the flavor of it. Believe it or not, this is actually the most rational sign they had.)

We get it already, let it go

From Soup to Nutz.

He is working too hard

Yahoo (AP) | Kerry Vacations in Idaho
As John Kerry was snowboarding down Idaho's Bald Mountain, the Bush-Cheney campaign was racing headlong in challenging the Democrat's credentials, a contrast that raised questions about the timing of the presumptive presidential nominee's vacation.

... The timing is critical as voters' image of the Democrat is evolving. Kerry's break from the public stage is allowing his rival to fill the void and draw a picture.

"This is probably one of the worst times because we're right in the middle of the struggle to define him," said Norm Ornstein of the American Enterprise Institute.

Funny, I don't have any trouble defining him. Arrogant, check. Rich, check. Liberal, big honkin' check.

You know, I'll bet he would attract more favorable publicity if he told people he was a Vietnam vet. I wonder why he doesn't promote that more. Possibly because he grabbed the first loophole within reach to get out...? And then spent the next year or two as a civilian protesting the war? Yeah, I guess that would be it. What's the point of being rich if you can't even use it to get out of fighting a war you don't support? So he's not only rich, he's incompetent?

I'm just glad to see the press complain about somebody other than the President taking a vacation. Maybe they think he already is the President.

Worms, bunnies and Abe Vigoda

Space.com | War of the Words: Scientist Attacks Alien Claims
Astronomer Philip Plait is tired of radio personality Richard Hoagland's claims. He's had enough of Hoagland's assertions that NASA is covering up evidence of extraterrestrial life, that the infamous Face on Mars was built by sentient aliens and, of late, that otherworldly machine parts are embedded in the red planet's dirt.

And then there's the mile-long translucent Martian worm.

... Plait has two words for the latest claims of alien objects on Mars. The first is "garbage." The second and more scientific word is "pareidolia." This is the same phenomenon that makes us see animals or other familiar objects in clouds.

"It's pretty common," Plait said of pareidolia. "Just a few months ago, a water spot on my shower curtain took on the uncanny form of the face of Vladimir Lenin." Plait took a picture of the liquid Lenin and uses it illustrate his contention that, though objects on the surface of Mars can sometimes take on interesting shapes, they are just a bunch of rocks.

You have to follow the Lenin link to find out where Abe Vigoda is.

I'm sure at some point in human evolution it was a lifesaving skill, being able to find patterns in (seemingly?) random shapes. Occasionally it still proves useful. But like any human activity, it can be taken to extremes, and once we convince ourselves we've seen something Significant, no amount of proof can convince us otherwise.

"Holocaust on a plate"

Yahoo (Reuters) | German Jews Attack Vegetarian Ad Campaign
BERLIN (Reuters) - An animal rights group said on Wednesday it would go ahead with a controversial advertising campaign that likens the slaughter of animals to the murder of Jews under the Nazis despite threats of a legal challenge.

Paul Spiegel, president of the Central Council of Jews, said he would ask prosecutors to raise charges of "inciting racial hatred" against vegetarian group People for Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) for the advertisements called "Holocaust on a plate."

PETA campaign coordinator Matt Prescott said he was aware of the council's views, but added: "We are not willing to end the campaign." He said he himself was Jewish.

The posters, due to be displayed in Stuttgart from Thursday and in 11 European cities at later dates, show pictures of battery hens packed into cages next to historic pictures of emaciated Jewish inmates in Nazi concentration camp bunk beds.

PETA. Holocaust-related promotional campaign. In Berlin.

Just when I think they can't top themselves...

Oh, good, I can retire the PETA stuff

The Center for Consumer Freedom is all over it. I'm just an amateur being silly with their own silly photo-ops. CCF is going after them for their funding of the Earth Liberation Front and their advocacy of laboratory and restaurant bombings.

And if that weren't enough, the season premiere of "Penn & Teller" on April 1 (no, really) will be all about PETA.

It isn't what he said, it's what he didn't say

Thinking of the previous post, and of this one, led to a further epiphany.

Pundits are wondering why, when they ask how Senator Kerry intends to conduct the war, he replies in term of "law enforcement". I say he is answering the question as clearly as he dares.

He doesn't intend to.

His first act as President will be to declare an end to hostilities, and to turn over Iraq (and command of the few troops he leaves there) to the United Nations.

John Forbes Kerry, Blabbermouth

The lightbulb finally went on. I finally realize what's bothering me about this.

Quoth he: "I've met foreign leaders who can't go out and say this publicly, but boy, they look at you and say, 'You've got to win; you've got to beat this guy. We need a new policy.' Things like that."

And later, after this "correction" of the original quote from "foreign leaders" to "more leaders" (it gets scare quotes because it's a difference that makes no difference, and because, as you see, Kerry immediately undoes it):"I have heard from people, foreign leaders elsewhere in the world who don't appreciate the Bush administration and would love to see a change in the leadership of the United States."

The point isn't whether this statement is true. The point isn't when these meetings took place. (Hugh Hewett says CNN verifies Kerry hasn't met with any world leaders since declaring as a candidate. He hasn't even left the country since 2002.) It isn't even whether we should care which "foreign leaders" are for who in the U.S. elections.

It's safe to say that Colin Powell, as Secretary of State, has met with plenty of world leaders, and speaks to them on an almost daily basis. It's also pretty safe to say that not all of them agree with the Bush administration's policies. It's not too much of a stretch to presume that some of them wish Bush weren't president. On the other hand, some of them undoubtedly regard the prospect of a Kerry presidency with the same dread that I do.

Does Powell tell us this? No. Why? Because, as elitist as this may sound, not everything that is done in public service is, or should be, done in the public eye. I daresay world leaders would stop talking to Powell if they thought he was going to tell CNN what they said. (Substitute "Fox News" if media slant is an issue for you. It isn't the point here.)

Kerry is correct not to name names. It would be a violation of confidentiality. However, he has already broken confidentiality in revealing that the conversations took place at all. It would be improper of these "world leaders" to make public statements that might influence the American election, and it is improper of Kerry to reveal the contents of these private conversations (assuming for the moment that they did happen). These people took a significant political risk in confiding to Kerry that they support him, and Kerry demonstrated that their trust in his discretion was misplaced. The fact that he hasn't named names (yet) is small consolation. When he perceives that there is political gain in doing so, he will reveal them. If the press doesn't already know their names, it's because they choose not to know.

John Kerry can't keep a secret. That's the issue here, or should be.